Think of the metaphor of cleaning your closet, suggests McKeown: We have taken stock of everything that we have (Essence) and we have identified those clothes that matter most to use and/or are our favorites (Explore). Perhaps we have even organized them into "Keep" and "Probably get rid of" piles.
Now comes the difficult part: Getting rid of the "Probably get rid of" pile.
It is this part, he suggests, that is actually the most difficult part for almost everyone. We tend to value things we own or things we have invested in more than perhaps we should (the "sunk cost" fallacy, where since we have sunk so much time and/or money into something, to stop it would be to "waste" that time and money). Again, it comes down to hard questions:
1) "If I didn't already own this, how much would spend to buy it?"
2) "If I didn't have the opportunity, what would I be willing to do to acquire it?"
It is that second question, says McKeown, that lies at the heart of this part of the Essentialist journey - after all, we can do anything but we cannot do everything.
We have to begin to find the discipline to say "No" to the trivial many.
The question we ask should not be "What, of my competing list of priorities, do I say yes to?" The better question is "What will I say no to?" - because, as you may recall, if we fail to say no to a nonessential, we are effectively say "yes" by default.
McKeown's proposition is that the more we start to find those things that we way "No" to, the more our priorities emerge and the more clarity we can contribute to our own life to make those contributions which lead to, as he says, "...the game changing breakthroughs in your career, and in your life."
Application:
Interestingly to me, this last section consumes almost half of the book in terms of pages. That strikes me as instructive: we as people have far more trouble saying "no" than we do saying "yes".
And we do not always get the choice, of course. There are a great many things that I cannot say "no" to when my boss asks. But - to be fair - there also a great many things I say "yes" to as part of my work that, upon reflection, I might not need volunteer for.
Likewise in my own personal life. I will often say "yes" to things, because like most people I want to and like to be helpful. But sometimes the "yes" of everything turns into the inability to do the things that I might really need to do in a flurry of activity that accomplishes needs or goals for everyone else but myself.
Even if one has not identified those essentials (and it is clear from last week that I have not), arguably everyone can use techniques and tools to start to eliminate those things that are non-essentials. Project management types and time management gurus say the same thing: If it is not for the project or target, find a way to reduce or eliminate it. The same is true for any individual in the larger scope of their lives.
It can be argued that time and attention are the currency of the modern world and of those two, time is the currency that we can never gain back. Since it is only spent once, it seems sensible to determine that we spend it on the most important things.
It seems to me that this ought to be taught as some sort of life skills class to all students.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if one of the things that makes "no" hard is concerns about the reactions of those who are asking something of us. Especially for a people pleaser. I recall once saying no to something I was asked to do for church. I wouldn't have minded except it was early in the afternoon when we were busy homeschooling. The assumption on the part of the asker was that since I was home, then I had a lot of free time. I said no and their shock was palpable, and that person was disgruntled with me for quite some time afterward. But I was really glad I didn't say yes. Knowing what my priorities actually made the decision for me, and that helped me settle their reaction in my mind.
Leigh, it really should be taught as a life skill - how to do so politely, of course, and not all the time (there are things that merit our actions) - but yes, taught. And taught that it is okay to do so.
DeleteI think the reaction of others does make a difference. Speaking as a people pleaser, I very much hate to say "no" to people just in general. That said, sometimes people do come up with the most ridiculous of expectations as well.
Keep saying "yes" to everyone else's requests and you'll find there's not enough time for yourself, saying "NO" is the price you have to pay in order to take care of yourself/family first. Everybody else coming first means you ain't gonna last long TB.
ReplyDeleteExactly, Nylon12. His point of saying yes to everyone else means saying no to yourself has rung very true of late.
DeleteFrom my perspective, I think what makes the first part of this post so difficult is that we have become a consumer oriented society. Outside looking in, it appears to me that our sole purpose for working is to acquire more possessions which after our death, end up in landfills or filling up someone else's house.
ReplyDeleteI make as much effort to shy away from consumerism and if I must buy something, try to buy something that will last and can be used for the rest of my life so that it doesn't end up in landfills. I also make concerted efforts to thin out what we do have, already much less than our peers judging from their houses, but I can only do so much with a spouse who grew up in a totally opposite society as ours and can't stand the thought of getting rid of anything because it cost money to buy and it might have some value some day. I think overall, we've achieved a balance that is less than many but certainly not as sparse as I would like it to be.
Ed - We really have become a consumer society - the fact that we are and that this is purpose of "capitalism" is something that I noted years and years ago in my economics class for my Master's program, where the consumer in theory eclipses all other needs, including national ones. As a result we have built a society that almost requires us to acquire more to keep it going.
DeleteI am working hard to combat this myself (to a greater or lesser extent, anyway). It is funny to me how it is not so much the fact not buying new things is the hard item, but rather the idea that I should not be doing it. It is almost as if it has become a combination of a hobby and entertainment activity.